How coaches – unwillingly – take away sovereignty and what to do instead

by | May 24, 2018

‘Do you love yourself?’

 

A question that comes out of the blue for the coachee. I see her blinking her eyes for a moment. She is a woman with quite a bit of experience in personal development and spiritual development. She is a yoga teacher. And she is in a workshop exercise that I happen to observe.

She quickly regains her balance, and says: ‘there are many layers to the answer to that question’. This woman is kind. What she doesn’t say is: ‘That question has nothing much to do with what I am sharing right now.’ Or even ‘What?? How dare you make this about self-love? That is your projection, not my experience in this moment.’.

Of course, I can’t see inside of her and what she is actually thinking. It might well be that an old story was triggered and now, she has started wondering whether there is a relationship with loving herself. And who doesn’t have some hick-ups when it comes to loving yourself? It is a very human experience for people that are healthy and enjoy quality relationships. This in itself doesn’t make it a problem though.

The annoying thing – or the really powerful thing –  is that when someone asks us a question, we HAVE TO let it in, to arrive at our response. It’s just the way we are wired. So we have to consider the question, really hear it, before we can decide what to do with it. And in letting it in, it has the power to trigger us in many ways.

 

The big question in coaching is: are the things that are triggered in service of our coachee’s process?

 

Are we as coaches – unwillingly – triggering things that are opening the doors to habitual responses of our client’s system, inviting in drama pieces that are not related to what you are working on together?

(A little side note: these drama pieces are not necessarily part of reaching the desired outcome your client has, and triggering a drama piece is not a sign of quality coaching in itself. Besides that, triggering drama pieces is not the most effective way of including them in coaching. If they are relevant for their question and need to be included in the work, they will show themselves through our client’s words. We do not have to actively bring them in, and taking a very big risk of skewing the process:)

And are we – in doing so – taking away their sovereignty? Their ‘freedom from external control’ as Webster defines it?

It is really easy to ‘help’ someone into thinking or feeling they have a problem, even when you don’t mean to. – The question ‘do you love yourself?’ was asked with the best intentions by someone who does have experience in supporting others to heal.

It is really easy to make people second guess themselves, so that they start to step away from their innate power, their intuition and their soul’s truth.

Especially when you are in a coach – coachee relationship.

Because, in our world, we operate easily from the paradigm where the expert has all the solutions and power. People often think that a coach is there to tell them what to do. Even when they know this is not helpful, they may still look for that external validation in their coach.

So they enter the coach ~ coachee relationship from this place where they have already started to give their power away.

And it makes it super important to become aware of the questions you ask.

For the example I started with, I have at least a hundred other examples from other coaching conversations.

  • Conversations I have had with high level coaches.
  • Conversations my clients have told me about with well-trained coaches they worked with before working with me.
  • Conversations friends tell me about.
  • Conversations that were part of our trainings and workshops.

It happens very often, that coaches unwillingly take away their client’s sovereignty, and it’s certainly not limited to ‘bad’ or starting coaches.

 

Why does that matter?

Well, I am probably preaching to the choir here, but first of all, someone’s sovereignty is their most valuable asset. It is where their authentic power lies. And it requires respect and honouring, on principle. As a guiding light throughout our days and our societies, this is what we should be aiming for. Because how can we expect people to shine, and build strong communities, if we don’t invite this power in?

And then there is a very practical reason for our work as a coach:

There is no way that you can help your (future) clients make sustainable, integrated soul-based changes, if you – unwillingly –  get in the way of this power base. Here lies the start of everything your client can be:

How they will be able to make the changes that they come to you from.

And how they will be able to continue to make changes like that.

When you help people access their soul-knowing (which can only happen from their state of sovereignty), you help them strengthen their ability to tap into it, and that defines how they will be able to walk through life on their own terms.

 

Now the big question: what can you do instead?

 

The first thing to do, is start exploring the questions you ask:

  • Are they reflecting the fact that the other person is someone who is powerful and holds all the resources that they need inside of them – even if they don’t know yet?
  • Are they honouring the person’s experience, exactly as it is?
  • Are you celebrating them in their uniqueness (even if their uniqueness is at the moment creating some experiences that they no longer want)?
  • Are they questions that you already (think you) have the answer to? (And be honest, because this is hard to see sometimes, but happens all the time)

And some more questions:

  • Do you feel you have to fix their problem? And what kind of fixing is it, that you feel responsible for?
  • Do you have access to the trust that they will be able to make the changes happen that they are seeking?

This will start opening up your awareness.

 

And then the journey truly begins … !

 

Start Holding Space.

And start to learn questions that serve your client’s process.

A great place to do this, is in our *free workshop Holding Space+.

 

And let us know what you find in your explorations, and ask your questions. There is a lot of gold to be found!

5 Comments

  1. Margit

    That sounds good: souvereignty on both sides!
    Just wondering, what different ways of helping there are and I will explain to my coachees in future! I want to help that coachees can help themselves!;-)

    • annemiek19@gmail.com

      The answers to this great question start with what I shared in the article: holding space, and learning the skills to do this. When you can let go of outcome, stay out of judgement, connect from the heart, and trust them – the magic can start to happen. And then you can start to serve that unfolding by learning to ask questions that deepen this natural process, rather than disturb it. Your clients will start arriving at new insights by themselves because of the quality of the space you hold. If you want to learn more, do read the ebook http://www.academyforsoulbasedcoaching.com/holding-space-for-transformation-ebook/, or better yet, start our free email training: https://www.academyforsoulbasedcoaching.com/get-started-with-soulbased-coaching/ And my experience with explaining to coachees is that for them, it doesn’t matter so much what we think about what we will do or won’t do. For them, the experience and the results are what matters most. So often, an invitation into the work is enough. And it can be helpful to tell them that you are here to help them find their own answers, because they are far more powerful than any coach can give them.

  2. Paloma White

    “Do you have access to the trust that they will be able to make the changes happen that they are seeking?”
    I would be very interested in any content (an article, a book, a daily connection practice, etc) that delves more into this trust.
    Letting go of outcome is at the same time my greatest commitment but…if I’m very honest…perhaps my biggest challenge.
    I love this coaching approach and how it forces me to move into that space of trust and just holding space.
    Dealing with the very real feeling of having to create results for my coachee or else how can I justify their business…is also a big topic for me.
    Your words of wisdom on this energy/nature of SBC are always deeply appreciated 🙂

    • annemiek19@gmail.com

      Dear Paloma, it is so good to recognise how big this challenge is 🙂 It is not something we are used to, and I love your question. The first thing that comes to mind, is to start exploring and practising surrender. You probably have examples from your own life where you really fought to make things happen, and to see it not work. And while you were busy working at that something that you had set your mind to, something else emerged, something that, with hindsight, makes complete sense.

      It reminds me of native wisdom about learning to trust that force that is bigger than you, however you call it in your life. Because with our human view, we can always only see a limited part of reality. It is so helpful to tap into this greater knowing, and to find out about the trust that it requires.

      Gabby Bernstein writes a lot about trusting the Universe. So does Marianne Williamson.

      And if you would like to practice your own trust and surrender, see where you naturally have that trust that things will work out for you. For people that are dear to you. What does it feel like? Where is it in your body? What is the source of that trust?

      And what happens when you don’t connect to that trust and you worry? Where is that in your body? What could be the source of that?

      And from here you can start to ask…: and what would I like to have happen with trust?

      And see how your explorations are mirrored in the work you do with clients.

      Let us know how it goes!

      • Paloma

        Mmm…so much richness in your advice. I will definitely be doing these exercises, answering these questions for myself. again…thank you thank you 🙂

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